It's after midnight and I should be asleep, but for some reason I just feel like I need to type. To write what I'm feeling even if it is a little disjointed and rambling.
I feel like I have been blessed with an unusually happy disposition. I can bounce back from disappointments and stresses fairy quickly, if they even get me down in the first place. I am so thankful for that blessing, But recently I've realized that it's ok to feel sad for a bit. Because I used to not let myself. I felt like because I'm a happy person I shouldn't ever feel sad. But it's ok to feel sad sometimes. Some days are just hard, you know.
Brad has been gone in St. Louis for 26 days. He won't be home for another 6 and I miss him like crazy. This is the longest we have ever been apart and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he's never gone this long again. 32 days is a really long time. Most of the days it's been pretty ok. Abi and I have had fun and I've loved spending time with her. But some days are just hard, you know?
In just a few short weeks I will be moving, again. I'm going to have to leave some of the best people I've even meet and have to make new friends all over again. Right as I was finally getting settled in this beautiful, history rich place. Some days I'm excited for the adventure but some days are just hard, you know?
This afternoon it hit me full in the face. It has been 3 years and 10 months since my first miscarriage. That's 4 years that we've been trying to get a little sibling here for Abi. And you know what? It totally sucks. It's been 46 months of disappointment. 5 miscarriages and two failed adoptions. Not to mention the two we had to refuse after the last one failed because we lost some much money on it we can't afford another for awhile. It's uncanny the way Abi can pick up on my moods and seems to know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am. Then they start to affect her too. Today, out of the blue, she came up to me and told me the GPS could tell us how to get to the orphanage so we could get a sibling at our house. At times it's harder to see the longing in Abi than it is to experience my own disappointment month after month. Some days are just hard, you know?
But guess what?
I get to wake up every morning and love on a sweet little 5 year old that is too smart for her own good. I get to devote all my time to making sure she knows how much I love her and care for her and will always be there for her. It always gets better.
I get to wake up every morning knowing that I have the most amazing husband in the world. That he would do anything for our family. That he loves me unconditionally. That he will say and do a hundred things that day to make me laugh and fall even more in love with him. Even if it is over Facetime because he's 1200 miles away. It always gets better.
I get to wake up every morning knowing that I have the most amazing friends and family a girl could ever want spread out (literally) from coast to coast. Knowing that there are people that care about me and are willing to listen, even if I have nothing really to say. It always gets better.
I get to wake up every morning knowing that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me more than I probably deserve. That He knows what's best for me and how much I can handle. That he has something spectacular in store for me and my little family if only I can be patient. It always gets better.
I get to wake up knowing that I have a pretty amazing life.
Some days are hard, you know? But it always gets better.